I received a phone call this morning about my previous blog. I was told that it was wrong to post and everyone thought I was an idiot...hmmmmm.
Everyone sees things differently and the experiences you share are, obviously, from your perspective. They can either hurt, heal or encourage. As a writer, your main intention is to encourage. You weave together your life as you know it and try your best to unfold a story in such a way that the world can feel your emotion and be encouraged by it - whether that is pain, hurt, anger, sorrow, elation, joy, happiness - after all, if you cannot be transparent enough to share your hardships and hope others learn from your mistakes, what is the point of going through it?
I will clarify that I do not write for the approval of others. I write because it is what I do and what I have always done. In the past several months, I have refrained from my passion for various reasons - misplaced priority, fear, even pain. It is my opinion that is when you should write. But, I have not because I wanted to ensure that it would not be for others' judgement but for my own processes in life. If that doesn't make sense, I have no other way to explain it.
I will not be censored by what others feel is right or wrong. I will not be censored on my life experience and sharing it with others. I will, however, be sensitive to others' feelings and I welcome input. If I am wrong, I have no problem taking the criticism. However, life is what life is. Your reality may not mesh with some but others may see it as an opportunity to learn from.
My mistakes in life are many - in my marriage too. I do not take the position of innocence or consider myself exempt from fault. I can only write what I know and what I feel and hope God uses it in such a way that it impacts my life and others' lives for good.
My previous blog was not meant to hurt anyone or put the blame soley on my ex-husband, whom I do love very much and always will. My intent was to put our story out there to encourage those of you who are married to recognize the mistakes that can be made and, in an instant, destroy the foundation that should be well-kept, pruned, and always producing fruit.
This is my passion and I will pursue it with as much transparency as I can muster at any given time. That is who I am. Judge me if you must but, truth is truth. Different is not always a bad thing. :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
They say...
They say that if you love something set it free and if it was meant to be, it will come back. Others say if you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it. LOL.
Focus on the journey and not the destination...I have heard it a million times. Sometimes, that is a good thing but this past year, I would tend to disagree. This journey called life presents twists, turns and potholes. But the good book says count it all as joy so I am. I know that the destination is set, as long as I continue on the path set before me.
Really, all of this reflective thought is just premeditated banter deciding what I should and/or should not write...what will be drawn as negative...
The fact of the matter is that I am positive but it has been a hard, negative road to get here. A year and two months ago, my world fell apart...well shortly thereafter. You see, I believe fully in the fairy tale endings - those miracles we least expect. I did not get that. I have not written about it directly prior to this for fear of judgement, perception or who knows what. People that think you can get over divorce or get through it "in time" are wrong. A year and two months later, I still find myself with questions and emotions I do not know what to do with.
Let's back up first. 14 years ago...well 13 years and ten months ago, I married a man that I knew had an alcohol problem and rage issues. Of course, I thought love conquered all and there we were. I spent the first two and half years of our marriage being degraded and emotionally/ physically abused. The target of his affection as well as his aversion. Where this rage came from...well, there were many sources but it all boils down to a disrespect for women and most likely, dislike of self. I carried the burden, justifying his actions and believing there was something inherently wrong with me. My childhood and my previous marriage confirmed to me that I was not worthy of respect, being cherished, or the proper recipient of love. During this time, I found out who loved me beyond what I could imagine and the one that saw me as beautiful - God. As you can imagine, many prayers went up and one day, two years and eleven months later, He answered my prayers. Standing up before over 200 people, my dream became reality. No more drinking. Remember though, an alcoholic can stop drinking but the personality takes a whole lot longer. I am sure I contributed to alot of the hardships, carrying my baggage into the marriage as well. However, our lives were truly touched and changed that day.
For a number of years, it was good...no great...or so I thought. Active in our church as well as outside ministry, God used us and our testimony to touch many, many lives. What a plan was in store and we were walking the path of faith with fervor and joy. Maybe I was too zealous and excited in my pursuit but as time and reality crept in, I realized not only was I becoming disenchanted but he was as well. You see people are people. You find hypocrites everywhere and often, sometimes you can be a hypocrite yourself without even realizing it until later. So the disenchantment was not with God but with people and their actions. Slowly, we allowed a door to open that at some point, we could not close in time.
Dealing with some heavy life blows and trying to continually overcome them can take its toll on anyone. The trick is gathering your strength and making it through. Unfortuantely, that would not be the case. Another lesson learned is believing you have something conquered and believing you can go back to that. In a marriage or relationship, everyone can have an opinion looking in but few can see the heart of the Truth - whether it is that they cannot see or that they just do not want to. The signs were there but I just did not want to see. About 9 years to the day, my husband believed that he could drink again and it be okay. Maybe that is true - maybe I had too many memories and insecurities from the past that I could not overcome. Maybe I, unknowingly, created the problem all over again. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. He started hiding it, going places without me to drink...friends keeping it from me - everyone in our life that did not know the other him...that believed I was too paranoid- that I should believe it was harmless. I can tell you, it escalated to the point that the rage started - I noticed, my kids noticed but everyone around us was oblivious to it. He was a Godly man, charming, responsible, loved his family right? To this day, I can tell you if that were the case, I'd still be there. When the physical anger came about full circle, I left. I believed in this man, who I knew him to be, who I had seen he could be...surely, our family would be strong enough to weather this, or so I thought at the time. Heck, we had lost our house, lived in a FEMA camper for eleven months, this was nothing. I just needed to take a step back so he could see. Wrong. From the moment I left, it was game on. The new-found freedom, the ability to answer to no one, and an entire crew to egg him on - the very people I believed would stand up for what is right. But, I guess, what's right is relative.
I spent the next 6 months hearing about where he was, who he was with, who he was doing, and still believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would prevail in this situation also. Well, God can only reside where we let him and in the circumstances we allow. If one person wants to exercise their free-will, God quietly watches on. The hurt, anger and the fear were enough to make me want to give up time and time again... there was the one night, last Easter, that I saw "my husband" but by the next morning, this different man was back. People judged me, confronted me but mostly just turned their heads, not wanting to see or be involved. People called me a liar behind my back, continually believing that I was over-emotional, over-sensitive and self-absorbed, I guess. They did not see what me and my kids had been watching for the year before we left. Of course, he couldn't see it either. He was hurt, angry, wounded and acting out, unable and unwilling to believe in what God had so tirelessly healed and put together. In the blink of an eye and bad decisions on both of our parts, it was over.
The difference between men and women, as I have seen and in this situation....he acted out and played the part, leading everyone to believe he was happy. I, on the other hand, as usual, wore my emotions and heart on my sleeve and dug in like a pitbull, eliminating any possibility of anything but anger...definitely leaving myself open to misinterpretation. So, here we are a year or so later, and we have destroyed our children's trust, confused their ideas of family and marriage, and scarred all three of them in ways we may never be able to fix. Not to mention, still carrying the hurt, anger and woundedness... but dealing with it in different ways. Myself, choosing the wrong men to date, seeking affection and love from the same emotionally unavailable personalities. Lord knows, I probably shouldn't date at all but it gets lonely...but really, the heavier part of lonely is the lonely you feel with someone. He deals with it by replacing me - moving someone into my house that we built with our bare hands, less than 6 months after the divorce that he pushed for [but I stupidly began out of fear].
When you lose your best friend, how do you deal with that? When you love somebody so much that you accept all of their best qualities along with their worst? When your kids were raised with a foundation of right and wrong but are helpless to do anything when they see all the wrong choices being made...when they are forced to accept things they do not believe in? When the kids have to compromise in order to keep a relationship? People have no idea what my kids and I have dealt with and gone through, what we still go through daily...all for a freedom with this high of a price tag? All for the ability to choose not to be married and drink all you want? Marriage is not a choice, it is a commitment. My ex-husband once told me that I made marriage a job...this may be true in some ways but guess what? It is a job...a continual work in progress. If you do not keep those gaps filled and your foundation from cracking, it all comes tumbling down no matter how good or Godly you think you are.
My kids and I have gone without, dealt with fear, anger, resentment...a range of emotions that truly was and is indescribable. We have been evicted, kicked out, ignored, hurt, abandoned by the very people that claimed to love us, family and friends. You see, it wasn't just me that lost family and friends a year or so ago, it was all of us. It wasn't just me that people chose to misjudge or disbelieve, it was all of us. There were and are times that I can barely hold it together but what keeps me going is my kids, is that I know God has a plan as long as we follow him, The twists, turns and potholes are only temporary. There are things we need and do without, as does everybody in this economic downturn in the world, I suppose. But what we hang onto are our happy times, that do not have price tag. The joy that each day we are starting to find. The solid rock on which we stand, regardless of the crashing waves.
In hindsight, I can see where I failed in so many areas. My priorities should have been my husband over my job, even over the kids...but sometimes we do not realize until it is too late. But, I think God wants us to share these hardships of our life so that others can be strengthened in knowing what to look out for. If my testimony can impact one couple to persevere and recognize that we all have faults but it pales in comparison to what could be, well I count it all as joy.
Focus on the journey and not the destination...I have heard it a million times. Sometimes, that is a good thing but this past year, I would tend to disagree. This journey called life presents twists, turns and potholes. But the good book says count it all as joy so I am. I know that the destination is set, as long as I continue on the path set before me.
Really, all of this reflective thought is just premeditated banter deciding what I should and/or should not write...what will be drawn as negative...
The fact of the matter is that I am positive but it has been a hard, negative road to get here. A year and two months ago, my world fell apart...well shortly thereafter. You see, I believe fully in the fairy tale endings - those miracles we least expect. I did not get that. I have not written about it directly prior to this for fear of judgement, perception or who knows what. People that think you can get over divorce or get through it "in time" are wrong. A year and two months later, I still find myself with questions and emotions I do not know what to do with.
Let's back up first. 14 years ago...well 13 years and ten months ago, I married a man that I knew had an alcohol problem and rage issues. Of course, I thought love conquered all and there we were. I spent the first two and half years of our marriage being degraded and emotionally/ physically abused. The target of his affection as well as his aversion. Where this rage came from...well, there were many sources but it all boils down to a disrespect for women and most likely, dislike of self. I carried the burden, justifying his actions and believing there was something inherently wrong with me. My childhood and my previous marriage confirmed to me that I was not worthy of respect, being cherished, or the proper recipient of love. During this time, I found out who loved me beyond what I could imagine and the one that saw me as beautiful - God. As you can imagine, many prayers went up and one day, two years and eleven months later, He answered my prayers. Standing up before over 200 people, my dream became reality. No more drinking. Remember though, an alcoholic can stop drinking but the personality takes a whole lot longer. I am sure I contributed to alot of the hardships, carrying my baggage into the marriage as well. However, our lives were truly touched and changed that day.
For a number of years, it was good...no great...or so I thought. Active in our church as well as outside ministry, God used us and our testimony to touch many, many lives. What a plan was in store and we were walking the path of faith with fervor and joy. Maybe I was too zealous and excited in my pursuit but as time and reality crept in, I realized not only was I becoming disenchanted but he was as well. You see people are people. You find hypocrites everywhere and often, sometimes you can be a hypocrite yourself without even realizing it until later. So the disenchantment was not with God but with people and their actions. Slowly, we allowed a door to open that at some point, we could not close in time.
Dealing with some heavy life blows and trying to continually overcome them can take its toll on anyone. The trick is gathering your strength and making it through. Unfortuantely, that would not be the case. Another lesson learned is believing you have something conquered and believing you can go back to that. In a marriage or relationship, everyone can have an opinion looking in but few can see the heart of the Truth - whether it is that they cannot see or that they just do not want to. The signs were there but I just did not want to see. About 9 years to the day, my husband believed that he could drink again and it be okay. Maybe that is true - maybe I had too many memories and insecurities from the past that I could not overcome. Maybe I, unknowingly, created the problem all over again. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. He started hiding it, going places without me to drink...friends keeping it from me - everyone in our life that did not know the other him...that believed I was too paranoid- that I should believe it was harmless. I can tell you, it escalated to the point that the rage started - I noticed, my kids noticed but everyone around us was oblivious to it. He was a Godly man, charming, responsible, loved his family right? To this day, I can tell you if that were the case, I'd still be there. When the physical anger came about full circle, I left. I believed in this man, who I knew him to be, who I had seen he could be...surely, our family would be strong enough to weather this, or so I thought at the time. Heck, we had lost our house, lived in a FEMA camper for eleven months, this was nothing. I just needed to take a step back so he could see. Wrong. From the moment I left, it was game on. The new-found freedom, the ability to answer to no one, and an entire crew to egg him on - the very people I believed would stand up for what is right. But, I guess, what's right is relative.
I spent the next 6 months hearing about where he was, who he was with, who he was doing, and still believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would prevail in this situation also. Well, God can only reside where we let him and in the circumstances we allow. If one person wants to exercise their free-will, God quietly watches on. The hurt, anger and the fear were enough to make me want to give up time and time again... there was the one night, last Easter, that I saw "my husband" but by the next morning, this different man was back. People judged me, confronted me but mostly just turned their heads, not wanting to see or be involved. People called me a liar behind my back, continually believing that I was over-emotional, over-sensitive and self-absorbed, I guess. They did not see what me and my kids had been watching for the year before we left. Of course, he couldn't see it either. He was hurt, angry, wounded and acting out, unable and unwilling to believe in what God had so tirelessly healed and put together. In the blink of an eye and bad decisions on both of our parts, it was over.
The difference between men and women, as I have seen and in this situation....he acted out and played the part, leading everyone to believe he was happy. I, on the other hand, as usual, wore my emotions and heart on my sleeve and dug in like a pitbull, eliminating any possibility of anything but anger...definitely leaving myself open to misinterpretation. So, here we are a year or so later, and we have destroyed our children's trust, confused their ideas of family and marriage, and scarred all three of them in ways we may never be able to fix. Not to mention, still carrying the hurt, anger and woundedness... but dealing with it in different ways. Myself, choosing the wrong men to date, seeking affection and love from the same emotionally unavailable personalities. Lord knows, I probably shouldn't date at all but it gets lonely...but really, the heavier part of lonely is the lonely you feel with someone. He deals with it by replacing me - moving someone into my house that we built with our bare hands, less than 6 months after the divorce that he pushed for [but I stupidly began out of fear].
When you lose your best friend, how do you deal with that? When you love somebody so much that you accept all of their best qualities along with their worst? When your kids were raised with a foundation of right and wrong but are helpless to do anything when they see all the wrong choices being made...when they are forced to accept things they do not believe in? When the kids have to compromise in order to keep a relationship? People have no idea what my kids and I have dealt with and gone through, what we still go through daily...all for a freedom with this high of a price tag? All for the ability to choose not to be married and drink all you want? Marriage is not a choice, it is a commitment. My ex-husband once told me that I made marriage a job...this may be true in some ways but guess what? It is a job...a continual work in progress. If you do not keep those gaps filled and your foundation from cracking, it all comes tumbling down no matter how good or Godly you think you are.
My kids and I have gone without, dealt with fear, anger, resentment...a range of emotions that truly was and is indescribable. We have been evicted, kicked out, ignored, hurt, abandoned by the very people that claimed to love us, family and friends. You see, it wasn't just me that lost family and friends a year or so ago, it was all of us. It wasn't just me that people chose to misjudge or disbelieve, it was all of us. There were and are times that I can barely hold it together but what keeps me going is my kids, is that I know God has a plan as long as we follow him, The twists, turns and potholes are only temporary. There are things we need and do without, as does everybody in this economic downturn in the world, I suppose. But what we hang onto are our happy times, that do not have price tag. The joy that each day we are starting to find. The solid rock on which we stand, regardless of the crashing waves.
In hindsight, I can see where I failed in so many areas. My priorities should have been my husband over my job, even over the kids...but sometimes we do not realize until it is too late. But, I think God wants us to share these hardships of our life so that others can be strengthened in knowing what to look out for. If my testimony can impact one couple to persevere and recognize that we all have faults but it pales in comparison to what could be, well I count it all as joy.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
People. Where to start. I have learned that people most often are never who they say they are. Forgive me for being jaded but often, when you read between the lines, you see the truth. But I will refuse to be cynical because, isn't our natural tendency to believe the best in everyone we meet...to believe in the core goodness of humankind? The saying goes that the world is going to hell in a handbasket - more often than not, we see it firsthand in our own 'backyards.'
We all have our faults but at some point, you just either fit in or you don't. I don't - the proverbial square peg trying to fit in a round hole. But, if I must conform to societal standards to fit in - I'd rather be on the outs.
I know that God sees me and I know that He has a plan for me - shouldn't that be enough? Well, for most of us, it is not. We want love, affection, friendship, kindness, etc and we strive for that but at what cost sometimes? Is it worth it?
I went through probably the most horrific time of my life and in some ways, I am still going through it every day. The questions with no answers...the raw emotion that you think you can handle or forget. The human psyche just doesn't work that way. You jump into friendships, relationships hoping for it to be different, better...fulfilling. However, if you have the same voids you are trying to fill...and you do not realize what to fill those voids with...well, you choose the same thing over and over again. You choose the same traits in the people you surround yourself with because, subconciously, you are still attempting to "fit," to understand why, how, what...
So, the result is always the same until you take that stand and decide there truly IS a plan, there truly is something more important - YOU. The you that you can be, are supposede to be, lost along the way somewhere. That in no way should be interpreted as selfishness but more like self-preservation. Until you see that you are worth it, that fitting in does not in and of itself define happiness...when you realize and decide it doesn't matter who likes you and who doesn't...well, THAT is your defining moment in your life.
Sometimes, it should just be enough to be yourself.
We all have our faults but at some point, you just either fit in or you don't. I don't - the proverbial square peg trying to fit in a round hole. But, if I must conform to societal standards to fit in - I'd rather be on the outs.
I know that God sees me and I know that He has a plan for me - shouldn't that be enough? Well, for most of us, it is not. We want love, affection, friendship, kindness, etc and we strive for that but at what cost sometimes? Is it worth it?
I went through probably the most horrific time of my life and in some ways, I am still going through it every day. The questions with no answers...the raw emotion that you think you can handle or forget. The human psyche just doesn't work that way. You jump into friendships, relationships hoping for it to be different, better...fulfilling. However, if you have the same voids you are trying to fill...and you do not realize what to fill those voids with...well, you choose the same thing over and over again. You choose the same traits in the people you surround yourself with because, subconciously, you are still attempting to "fit," to understand why, how, what...
So, the result is always the same until you take that stand and decide there truly IS a plan, there truly is something more important - YOU. The you that you can be, are supposede to be, lost along the way somewhere. That in no way should be interpreted as selfishness but more like self-preservation. Until you see that you are worth it, that fitting in does not in and of itself define happiness...when you realize and decide it doesn't matter who likes you and who doesn't...well, THAT is your defining moment in your life.
Sometimes, it should just be enough to be yourself.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Be Still or Move?
I have spent a lot of time asking God if I am to move or stand still. I even put it out there and asked people if you do not know what to do, do you just stand still?
In this quest of mine, I have had many revelations through others and directly from the man upstairs. I think it is important to discern situations so as to know and hear whether you are to stand still [or stand firm] or to move from that point and/or situation in your life.
In Exodus, remember the story of the Israelites? The Lord led them – He went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. They encamped by the sea and when they saw the Egyptians approaching, the bible says they were terrified. They were in fear and asked Moses why he had led them to the desert to die – they felt it would be far better to have stayed and served the Egyptians. Where was the faith, the belief in their ONE TRUE GOD? Moses answered them as we see in the following verse:
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” - Exodus 14:13-14
Of course, the Lord then spoke to Moses,
Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”
- Exodus 14:15
Well, herein lies my “Aha!” moment. The answer is not one or the other but both stand still and move. No. I have not gone crazy and spoken out of both sides of my mouth. The answer is to stand still UNTIL God tells you to move.
The Lord then tells Moses to raise his staff and part the seas for the Israelites to cross,
Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. -Exodus 14:21-22
In this quest of mine, I have had many revelations through others and directly from the man upstairs. I think it is important to discern situations so as to know and hear whether you are to stand still [or stand firm] or to move from that point and/or situation in your life.
In Exodus, remember the story of the Israelites? The Lord led them – He went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. They encamped by the sea and when they saw the Egyptians approaching, the bible says they were terrified. They were in fear and asked Moses why he had led them to the desert to die – they felt it would be far better to have stayed and served the Egyptians. Where was the faith, the belief in their ONE TRUE GOD? Moses answered them as we see in the following verse:
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” - Exodus 14:13-14
Of course, the Lord then spoke to Moses,
Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”
- Exodus 14:15
Well, herein lies my “Aha!” moment. The answer is not one or the other but both stand still and move. No. I have not gone crazy and spoken out of both sides of my mouth. The answer is to stand still UNTIL God tells you to move.
The Lord then tells Moses to raise his staff and part the seas for the Israelites to cross,
Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. -Exodus 14:21-22
Did Moses hesitate? Did he question if, in fact, this was God speaking to him? No. He moved by God’s direction and brought his people to safety. As they walked, I can only imagine what was going through their minds. Excitement? For sure. Fear? Most likely. Shame for not believing God was capable of delivering them from the advancing armies? I would think so. Not unlike times in our own lives when we doubt while in the midst of the advancements of the enemy or results of our bad choices. Coming out of it, we may feel like those Israelites on the walk between divided waters.
The waiting times in our life are opportunities to believe or not believe what God’s word says. It is sometimes laboring and burdensome but, we must come to the realization that God’s plans are perfect and we often can mess it up when we stray to the beaten path rather than taking the narrow road. Paraphrasing several books/verses, the bible tells us many things. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Everything is beautiful in time. Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear. He cares for even the sparrow. So many words God has given us to remind us that He IS God, now and always. So many of His words we need to hide in our hearts and meditate on night and day. God will never ‘NOT’ give us a way out of a situation or work it in such a way that we grow and it glorifies and honors Him.
When advancements/storms hit, how will we prove faithful? Will we be tossed to and fro or will we rely on God to part the sea and lead us to dry, high ground despite the walls of water on either side of us?
As I see
Gazing out over the majestic blue
silencing a world that screams out
negative, harsh, existentially profane
Crying out across the waves
they mock, watching...waiting
deeper, higher, torrential, insurmountable
Walking farther out into the surf
hope of release, desire for no return
wishing, believing, desperately seeking
Hearing your voice rise above
clearly speaking, echoing in the wind
audible, loving, affirming, life-giving
Gazing out over the majestic blue
standing, knowing your plan is unfolding
fearing, knowing, waiting, believing
silencing a world that screams out
negative, harsh, existentially profane
Crying out across the waves
they mock, watching...waiting
deeper, higher, torrential, insurmountable
Walking farther out into the surf
hope of release, desire for no return
wishing, believing, desperately seeking
Hearing your voice rise above
clearly speaking, echoing in the wind
audible, loving, affirming, life-giving
Gazing out over the majestic blue
standing, knowing your plan is unfolding
fearing, knowing, waiting, believing
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Pieces...again 9/1/09
As I walked along the shore today, I picked up, as usual, pieces of sand dollars. As you have read in my previous blogs, God has really used this as a catalyst in my life to increased discernment, peace and wisdom. I had collected maybe 7 or 8 pieces and as usual, in the back of my mind/heart, I was hoping for a sign - for a whole sand dollar.
I felt like I spend so much time looking for the "pieces" that I miss so many blessings. I force myself to analyze every detail, every path, to ensure I miss nothing. But, in that, I miss everything at times. To learn that sometimes, the search is futile because what piece brings PEACE is right in front of you not to the right or to the left. You have to just stand still and pay attention. Human nature sends our eyes darting in every direction, alot of times, not seeing what is being provided right in front of you.
All the sudden, I felt like it was time to let go of the pieces analogy and realize that lesson is learned, that message received. It is time to move forward, certain that the plan is unfolding - even when it seems it is all falling apart. :-)
I felt like I spend so much time looking for the "pieces" that I miss so many blessings. I force myself to analyze every detail, every path, to ensure I miss nothing. But, in that, I miss everything at times. To learn that sometimes, the search is futile because what piece brings PEACE is right in front of you not to the right or to the left. You have to just stand still and pay attention. Human nature sends our eyes darting in every direction, alot of times, not seeing what is being provided right in front of you.
All the sudden, I felt like it was time to let go of the pieces analogy and realize that lesson is learned, that message received. It is time to move forward, certain that the plan is unfolding - even when it seems it is all falling apart. :-)
Defenses 9/1/09
As I walked along the beach [yes again - my writing is usually inspired there!], I had been praying generally. I was asking for answers along with a peace that would get me through the current myre of chaos that is my life right now. I noticed something odd along the shoreline.
At first glance, it appeared to be some mutation of fish/squid...it was obvious its breathing was labored due to lack of water. Immediately, I wanted to throw it back into the ocean but was fearful - not sure why - it was just weird, odd, sci-fi even! A man came up out of curiosity and was just as boggled. We looked for a large shell to scoop the creature up with. At closer inspection, we realized this was a baby octopus - how cool! Anyhow, as the man bent down and brought the shell near to scoop it up, all the sudden, it turned purple/red and its die [ink, whatever you call it] immediately surfaced. It was a beautiful unfolding of nature in its raw form. Well, we walked out into the surf to ensure it did not get washed back up and watched as it made its way in the sand, at the bottom of the water, as waves rolled over, not in any way impeding its progress back into the ocean. As the man and I parted ways, he said that this was my good deed for the day and he was sure I was going to have the best day ever. Little did he know, he made my day just by saying that. LOL. As I walked away with a grin, God began to speak.
Often in life, we are perplexed with why things happen the way they do, why we cannot overcome in certain areas, why God waits so long to answer prayers or to bring provision. We look at in a defensive manner rather than an offensive manner. You see, as soon as we came close to the octopus, it automatically used the only defense it had to a perceived threat. Little did the octopus realize that the perceived threat was actually a life-saving gift. You see, in our lives, we sometimes defend ourselves automatically when what we perceive as a threat - what hurts us the most - is actually something that is working towards the greater good in our life.
I am certain, in this epiphany, there is something for me to learn, to see, to recieve. The automatic knee-jerk reaction in life is to protect ourselves; whether that be from people, from emotion - whether positive or negative, from situations, even from God at times. What happens when we trust that everything truly does work for good in the lives of those who know Christ? What happens if when bad things happen to good people, we recognize that there is a lesson to learn, a reason for it?
We are an imperfect people in many ways. Probably, the largest imperfection is the inability, at times, to see outside of ourselves - to see beyond the current and look forward to the "is to come." The octopus went in defense mode but did that stop our action of saving it? No. It had no idea what was going to happen next. Most likely, it just held on. I mean who knows what octopus babies think...lol. Its instinct was that of "fight or flight." The problem was it had no options - no way to go anywhere WITHOUT help. Sometimes in life, we are presented with circumstances that prevent us from doing anything but do the best we can and hang on tight for the ride to see where it ends up. Just as the octopus, we have to hang on, go deep where the waves cannot toss us around and back to the shore where we started, and just keep moving forward. :-)
At first glance, it appeared to be some mutation of fish/squid...it was obvious its breathing was labored due to lack of water. Immediately, I wanted to throw it back into the ocean but was fearful - not sure why - it was just weird, odd, sci-fi even! A man came up out of curiosity and was just as boggled. We looked for a large shell to scoop the creature up with. At closer inspection, we realized this was a baby octopus - how cool! Anyhow, as the man bent down and brought the shell near to scoop it up, all the sudden, it turned purple/red and its die [ink, whatever you call it] immediately surfaced. It was a beautiful unfolding of nature in its raw form. Well, we walked out into the surf to ensure it did not get washed back up and watched as it made its way in the sand, at the bottom of the water, as waves rolled over, not in any way impeding its progress back into the ocean. As the man and I parted ways, he said that this was my good deed for the day and he was sure I was going to have the best day ever. Little did he know, he made my day just by saying that. LOL. As I walked away with a grin, God began to speak.
Often in life, we are perplexed with why things happen the way they do, why we cannot overcome in certain areas, why God waits so long to answer prayers or to bring provision. We look at in a defensive manner rather than an offensive manner. You see, as soon as we came close to the octopus, it automatically used the only defense it had to a perceived threat. Little did the octopus realize that the perceived threat was actually a life-saving gift. You see, in our lives, we sometimes defend ourselves automatically when what we perceive as a threat - what hurts us the most - is actually something that is working towards the greater good in our life.
I am certain, in this epiphany, there is something for me to learn, to see, to recieve. The automatic knee-jerk reaction in life is to protect ourselves; whether that be from people, from emotion - whether positive or negative, from situations, even from God at times. What happens when we trust that everything truly does work for good in the lives of those who know Christ? What happens if when bad things happen to good people, we recognize that there is a lesson to learn, a reason for it?
We are an imperfect people in many ways. Probably, the largest imperfection is the inability, at times, to see outside of ourselves - to see beyond the current and look forward to the "is to come." The octopus went in defense mode but did that stop our action of saving it? No. It had no idea what was going to happen next. Most likely, it just held on. I mean who knows what octopus babies think...lol. Its instinct was that of "fight or flight." The problem was it had no options - no way to go anywhere WITHOUT help. Sometimes in life, we are presented with circumstances that prevent us from doing anything but do the best we can and hang on tight for the ride to see where it ends up. Just as the octopus, we have to hang on, go deep where the waves cannot toss us around and back to the shore where we started, and just keep moving forward. :-)
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