FEAR

Fear seems to be the common message in every email, every sermon I hear, every Word God speaks through others lately. God's word repeatedly states not to be fearful but to stand firm.

Fear and faith cannot co-exist - faith COUNTERS fear...overrides it. When I am afraid, I will trust HIM - I will persevere.

In the face of struggle, we act and react with fear, sometimes not even realizing it.

Thoughts

I am not supposed to show my weakness. I am not supposed to say I am tired, I am lonely, I am done, I am overwhelmed nor that I do not know where to go from here. Does not saying them make them any less true? In fact, it only magnifies them and ingrains them in a much deeper part of our selves...until you cannot see, feel, hear or listen. That moment of despair, the moment when you feel most alone...and noone realizes it or reaches to pull you out....God sees, He knows, He cares.

It is difficult in the dark to seek out the light when you are paralyzed by fear. When faith takes over, the light is visible. He is a lamp unto your feet. The days may blur, the darkness may hover but, persevere. Circumstances do not define your life, your choices do. Choose to move forward even when you do not want to. Choose to look beyond what the world shows you, what people offer...look beyond what you are told, look beyond who you have limited yourself to be. Seek out Truth, even if you feel you are the only one standing on it. Believe that His plans are truly so much greater than yours....

Fractal

Fractal: an irregular or fragmented geometric shape that can be repeatedly subdivided into parts, each of which is a smaller copy of the whole.

Life is a fractal pattern - we are often leaving pieces of ourselves, mirrored slivers of who we are. Often, we are shattered and those lost, missing pieces become the fractals of our life. Each an intricate piece of a whole. Patterns, sequences, variables...our own personal life algorithm - that inevitable equation of who we are, who we have been, and who we choose to become. Our minds cannot fathom the beautiful, painful and unique brokenness that ultimately leads us to wholeness. :)

Who I Am

Every day has a lesson for all of us if we learn to look beyond ourselves for a moment. I started the day out in fear of what I had to face but realized I actually had nothing to fear at all. You see, we build things up into more than they are and soon, find ourselves seeing it as completely insurmountable. We psyche ourselves out in most cases. People are not designed to live in fear, worry and anxiety - we have created it.

I used to have a Sportrac that had a sticker across the front that stated "Fear Not." It was easy to "Fear Not" when life seemed to be going well. It is a most daunting task when it is not so rosy. My daughter flipped that Sportrac five times on the highway and came out only scratched up a bit. I remember her telling me that, in that moment, all she could think to do was pray. I know it seems odd, but this is one of my most precious memories. You see in every day life, we pray and ask for answers but sometimes we do not really want "answers," we just want our answers. There is no doubt in my mind that my beautiful daughter was protected that day. If you look at the pictures, you would imagine the person in that wreck would be severely injured...even dead. All I can think is that my child knew who to look to and who to cry out to! If I leave no other legacy but my children, what a richly blessed woman I am.

Anyway, in every day life, we let the world take over and live in fear and anxiety over many things. Like I said, today was one of those days for me. Sadly, I have had alot of those days lumped together lately. I am a single mom trying to make ends meet in a world where everyone is trying ot make ends meet. Most often, I fail miserably which results in worry, concern, anxiety...fear! But the bible tells us that we are not to worry about what we will wear...what we will eat and most importantly, not to worry about tomorrow, it can take care of itself. But, how often, do we really understand and apply that?

Today, I walked into a situation and despite the opposition, I made the choice to show grace, mercy and kindness. Obviously, I am no saint nor do I seek accolades for the gesture but I was proud I could display my character. It was met with resistance of course and the action went without appreciation or acknowledgement. If anything, I was faced with an outright defiant attitude. However, I walked out of there knowing, for the first time in awhile who I was and where my provision lies. Not in man but in the plan God has carefully and strategically laid out for me and my kids. I left there knowing I could begin to close this chapter regardless of how hard it has been the past couple of years and still is now. My book is not anywhere near the end but just the next chapter unfolding. :)

Crazy

Lately, you hear how crazy the world is, how crazy people are, how all these crazy things are happening - how crazy people make crazy decisions...blah, blah, blah.

This is a crazy world we live in right now in more ways than one. However, I take solace in the crazies. Sound odd? Well, in the past, I looked at it all wrong. In life, there will always be something in your life that does not line up with who you think you should be, what you think you should be doing, how your life plans do not work out your way or even how people perceive you. But, if everything were perfect and your path went down your own well-meaning, self-intentioned plans, then we wouldn't even know how to appreciate it when God rocks our world despite the crazies.

The choices we make, the choices others make that affect us - well, it is what it is. Often, we look so deep into things that we miss the simple, every day blessings that move us forward. We often focus so much on looking behind us and recognizing past mistakes, failures, or regrets of where we should be in our life, that we plow right through the here and now. I often remind myself of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah - remember they [Lot & his family] were told not to look back but his wife did and what happened? She turned to a pillar of salt. I sit and think about this new life of mine and feeling all alone and get into the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I wonder how in the world will I ever put life back together the way I need it to be and the kids need it to be? But, you see, I think on those things based on looking back not looking at the here and now - basically trusting in what has been, not what is and what is to come. So, the every day blessings right in the midst of the crazies just passes me right by and I miss out. Make sense?

Sometimes, the best-laid plans are what we want and not quite what God had in mind. Other times, the perfect path set before us, we just ignore and make our own choices anyway. There may be consequences, it may become difficult but always, always, always, it will work out in the most amazing, CRAZY way - becoming a much better fit than anything we could have ever imagined! So, just call me crazy... :)

Forgiveness

A really awesome man said to me, "forgiveness is the currency of love." This statement has resonated within my head and heart ever since.

I ask myself if I offer forgiveness in every area of my life, both to myself and to others. Do I accept when God and others forgive me? Do I accept and move forward even when I have done all I can and others do NOT forgive? Heavy questions for a weighted subject, for sure.

The bible says we must be willing to forgive seventy-seven times. This is basically representative of an infinite number. Being willing and actually applying that are two distinctly different things. It is tough to be hurt or offended and move past that in a friendship or relationship. Especially in the instances where it seems to be a repetitive trait of that relationship.

In youth group this week, the story was of Peter [Simon] and how and why Jesus forgave him as well as the struggles Peter had in forgiving himself for denying his friend and Lord three times on Jesus' way to the Cross. The realization that he let him down, let himself down must have been a heavy burden to bear. But the day Jesus made that appearance along the shoreline, Peter literally jumped out of the boat and swam to shore. Of course, he was excited...maybe a little frightened of facing Jesus after what he had done. But what drove him to jump out of that boat and swim to shore was his love for Jesus. Everything else was put to the back of his mind as he recognized the voice calling him. By the time he made it to shore and stood by the fire, his heart must have been racing and his mind must have, again, been filled with thoughts of what he'd done. Despite that, he did everything he could to be of help, to just be near the risen Christ, his friend. I am certain he was just waiting for Jesus to say something, possibly expecting rebuke in some manner. But Jesus, knowing the turmoil in his disciple's heart and moreso, KNOWING his heart intimately, asked Peter to join them to eat and later, to take a walk. Jesus asked him three times if he loved him and told him to feed his sheep. Peter must have been pretty perplexed, wanting badly to explain...to somehow make it up to Jesus. But the three questions of "do you love me" were a loving response to the three denials. You see, Jesus believed in his friend and offered forgiveness in a manner that did not recognize the weaknesses of Peter but responded to the strengths [thanks Emme for laying out the story this way!].

Just like Jesus did with Peter, we should recognize and respond to the strengths in our relationships, flashback to the love we feel for that friend, family member, or individual and who we know them to be. If there is an issue, address it not with the accusation of weakness but the statement of strength.

Different

I received a phone call this morning about my previous blog. I was told that it was wrong to post and everyone thought I was an idiot...hmmmmm.

Everyone sees things differently and the experiences you share are, obviously, from your perspective. They can either hurt, heal or encourage. As a writer, your main intention is to encourage. You weave together your life as you know it and try your best to unfold a story in such a way that the world can feel your emotion and be encouraged by it - whether that is pain, hurt, anger, sorrow, elation, joy, happiness - after all, if you cannot be transparent enough to share your hardships and hope others learn from your mistakes, what is the point of going through it?

I will clarify that I do not write for the approval of others. I write because it is what I do and what I have always done. In the past several months, I have refrained from my passion for various reasons - misplaced priority, fear, even pain. It is my opinion that is when you should write. But, I have not because I wanted to ensure that it would not be for others' judgement but for my own processes in life. If that doesn't make sense, I have no other way to explain it.

I will not be censored by what others feel is right or wrong. I will not be censored on my life experience and sharing it with others. I will, however, be sensitive to others' feelings and I welcome input. If I am wrong, I have no problem taking the criticism. However, life is what life is. Your reality may not mesh with some but others may see it as an opportunity to learn from.

My mistakes in life are many - in my marriage too. I do not take the position of innocence or consider myself exempt from fault. I can only write what I know and what I feel and hope God uses it in such a way that it impacts my life and others' lives for good.

My previous blog was not meant to hurt anyone or put the blame soley on my ex-husband, whom I do love very much and always will. My intent was to put our story out there to encourage those of you who are married to recognize the mistakes that can be made and, in an instant, destroy the foundation that should be well-kept, pruned, and always producing fruit.

This is my passion and I will pursue it with as much transparency as I can muster at any given time. That is who I am. Judge me if you must but, truth is truth. Different is not always a bad thing. :)

They say...

They say that if you love something set it free and if it was meant to be, it will come back. Others say if you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it. LOL.

Focus on the journey and not the destination...I have heard it a million times. Sometimes, that is a good thing but this past year, I would tend to disagree. This journey called life presents twists, turns and potholes. But the good book says count it all as joy so I am. I know that the destination is set, as long as I continue on the path set before me.

Really, all of this reflective thought is just premeditated banter deciding what I should and/or should not write...what will be drawn as negative...

The fact of the matter is that I am positive but it has been a hard, negative road to get here. A year and two months ago, my world fell apart...well shortly thereafter. You see, I believe fully in the fairy tale endings - those miracles we least expect. I did not get that. I have not written about it directly prior to this for fear of judgement, perception or who knows what. People that think you can get over divorce or get through it "in time" are wrong. A year and two months later, I still find myself with questions and emotions I do not know what to do with.

Let's back up first. 14 years ago...well 13 years and ten months ago, I married a man that I knew had an alcohol problem and rage issues. Of course, I thought love conquered all and there we were. I spent the first two and half years of our marriage being degraded and emotionally/ physically abused. The target of his affection as well as his aversion. Where this rage came from...well, there were many sources but it all boils down to a disrespect for women and most likely, dislike of self. I carried the burden, justifying his actions and believing there was something inherently wrong with me. My childhood and my previous marriage confirmed to me that I was not worthy of respect, being cherished, or the proper recipient of love. During this time, I found out who loved me beyond what I could imagine and the one that saw me as beautiful - God. As you can imagine, many prayers went up and one day, two years and eleven months later, He answered my prayers. Standing up before over 200 people, my dream became reality. No more drinking. Remember though, an alcoholic can stop drinking but the personality takes a whole lot longer. I am sure I contributed to alot of the hardships, carrying my baggage into the marriage as well. However, our lives were truly touched and changed that day.

For a number of years, it was good...no great...or so I thought. Active in our church as well as outside ministry, God used us and our testimony to touch many, many lives. What a plan was in store and we were walking the path of faith with fervor and joy. Maybe I was too zealous and excited in my pursuit but as time and reality crept in, I realized not only was I becoming disenchanted but he was as well. You see people are people. You find hypocrites everywhere and often, sometimes you can be a hypocrite yourself without even realizing it until later. So the disenchantment was not with God but with people and their actions. Slowly, we allowed a door to open that at some point, we could not close in time.

Dealing with some heavy life blows and trying to continually overcome them can take its toll on anyone. The trick is gathering your strength and making it through. Unfortuantely, that would not be the case. Another lesson learned is believing you have something conquered and believing you can go back to that. In a marriage or relationship, everyone can have an opinion looking in but few can see the heart of the Truth - whether it is that they cannot see or that they just do not want to. The signs were there but I just did not want to see. About 9 years to the day, my husband believed that he could drink again and it be okay. Maybe that is true - maybe I had too many memories and insecurities from the past that I could not overcome. Maybe I, unknowingly, created the problem all over again. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. He started hiding it, going places without me to drink...friends keeping it from me - everyone in our life that did not know the other him...that believed I was too paranoid- that I should believe it was harmless. I can tell you, it escalated to the point that the rage started - I noticed, my kids noticed but everyone around us was oblivious to it. He was a Godly man, charming, responsible, loved his family right? To this day, I can tell you if that were the case, I'd still be there. When the physical anger came about full circle, I left. I believed in this man, who I knew him to be, who I had seen he could be...surely, our family would be strong enough to weather this, or so I thought at the time. Heck, we had lost our house, lived in a FEMA camper for eleven months, this was nothing. I just needed to take a step back so he could see. Wrong. From the moment I left, it was game on. The new-found freedom, the ability to answer to no one, and an entire crew to egg him on - the very people I believed would stand up for what is right. But, I guess, what's right is relative.

I spent the next 6 months hearing about where he was, who he was with, who he was doing, and still believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would prevail in this situation also. Well, God can only reside where we let him and in the circumstances we allow. If one person wants to exercise their free-will, God quietly watches on. The hurt, anger and the fear were enough to make me want to give up time and time again... there was the one night, last Easter, that I saw "my husband" but by the next morning, this different man was back. People judged me, confronted me but mostly just turned their heads, not wanting to see or be involved. People called me a liar behind my back, continually believing that I was over-emotional, over-sensitive and self-absorbed, I guess. They did not see what me and my kids had been watching for the year before we left. Of course, he couldn't see it either. He was hurt, angry, wounded and acting out, unable and unwilling to believe in what God had so tirelessly healed and put together. In the blink of an eye and bad decisions on both of our parts, it was over.

The difference between men and women, as I have seen and in this situation....he acted out and played the part, leading everyone to believe he was happy. I, on the other hand, as usual, wore my emotions and heart on my sleeve and dug in like a pitbull, eliminating any possibility of anything but anger...definitely leaving myself open to misinterpretation. So, here we are a year or so later, and we have destroyed our children's trust, confused their ideas of family and marriage, and scarred all three of them in ways we may never be able to fix. Not to mention, still carrying the hurt, anger and woundedness... but dealing with it in different ways. Myself, choosing the wrong men to date, seeking affection and love from the same emotionally unavailable personalities. Lord knows, I probably shouldn't date at all but it gets lonely...but really, the heavier part of lonely is the lonely you feel with someone. He deals with it by replacing me - moving someone into my house that we built with our bare hands, less than 6 months after the divorce that he pushed for [but I stupidly began out of fear].

When you lose your best friend, how do you deal with that? When you love somebody so much that you accept all of their best qualities along with their worst? When your kids were raised with a foundation of right and wrong but are helpless to do anything when they see all the wrong choices being made...when they are forced to accept things they do not believe in? When the kids have to compromise in order to keep a relationship? People have no idea what my kids and I have dealt with and gone through, what we still go through daily...all for a freedom with this high of a price tag? All for the ability to choose not to be married and drink all you want? Marriage is not a choice, it is a commitment. My ex-husband once told me that I made marriage a job...this may be true in some ways but guess what? It is a job...a continual work in progress. If you do not keep those gaps filled and your foundation from cracking, it all comes tumbling down no matter how good or Godly you think you are.

My kids and I have gone without, dealt with fear, anger, resentment...a range of emotions that truly was and is indescribable. We have been evicted, kicked out, ignored, hurt, abandoned by the very people that claimed to love us, family and friends. You see, it wasn't just me that lost family and friends a year or so ago, it was all of us. It wasn't just me that people chose to misjudge or disbelieve, it was all of us. There were and are times that I can barely hold it together but what keeps me going is my kids, is that I know God has a plan as long as we follow him, The twists, turns and potholes are only temporary. There are things we need and do without, as does everybody in this economic downturn in the world, I suppose. But what we hang onto are our happy times, that do not have price tag. The joy that each day we are starting to find. The solid rock on which we stand, regardless of the crashing waves.

In hindsight, I can see where I failed in so many areas. My priorities should have been my husband over my job, even over the kids...but sometimes we do not realize until it is too late. But, I think God wants us to share these hardships of our life so that others can be strengthened in knowing what to look out for. If my testimony can impact one couple to persevere and recognize that we all have faults but it pales in comparison to what could be, well I count it all as joy.

People. Where to start. I have learned that people most often are never who they say they are. Forgive me for being jaded but often, when you read between the lines, you see the truth. But I will refuse to be cynical because, isn't our natural tendency to believe the best in everyone we meet...to believe in the core goodness of humankind? The saying goes that the world is going to hell in a handbasket - more often than not, we see it firsthand in our own 'backyards.'

We all have our faults but at some point, you just either fit in or you don't. I don't - the proverbial square peg trying to fit in a round hole. But, if I must conform to societal standards to fit in - I'd rather be on the outs.

I know that God sees me and I know that He has a plan for me - shouldn't that be enough? Well, for most of us, it is not. We want love, affection, friendship, kindness, etc and we strive for that but at what cost sometimes? Is it worth it?

I went through probably the most horrific time of my life and in some ways, I am still going through it every day. The questions with no answers...the raw emotion that you think you can handle or forget. The human psyche just doesn't work that way. You jump into friendships, relationships hoping for it to be different, better...fulfilling. However, if you have the same voids you are trying to fill...and you do not realize what to fill those voids with...well, you choose the same thing over and over again. You choose the same traits in the people you surround yourself with because, subconciously, you are still attempting to "fit," to understand why, how, what...

So, the result is always the same until you take that stand and decide there truly IS a plan, there truly is something more important - YOU. The you that you can be, are supposede to be, lost along the way somewhere. That in no way should be interpreted as selfishness but more like self-preservation. Until you see that you are worth it, that fitting in does not in and of itself define happiness...when you realize and decide it doesn't matter who likes you and who doesn't...well, THAT is your defining moment in your life.

Sometimes, it should just be enough to be yourself.

Be Still or Move?

I have spent a lot of time asking God if I am to move or stand still. I even put it out there and asked people if you do not know what to do, do you just stand still?

In this quest of mine, I have had many revelations through others and directly from the man upstairs. I think it is important to discern situations so as to know and hear whether you are to stand still [or stand firm] or to move from that point and/or situation in your life.

In Exodus, remember the story of the Israelites? The Lord led them – He went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. They encamped by the sea and when they saw the Egyptians approaching, the bible says they were terrified. They were in fear and asked Moses why he had led them to the desert to die – they felt it would be far better to have stayed and served the Egyptians. Where was the faith, the belief in their ONE TRUE GOD? Moses answered them as we see in the following verse:

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” - Exodus 14:13-14

Of course, the Lord then spoke to Moses,

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”
- Exodus 14:15

Well, herein lies my “Aha!” moment. The answer is not one or the other but both stand still and move. No. I have not gone crazy and spoken out of both sides of my mouth. The answer is to stand still UNTIL God tells you to move.

The Lord then tells Moses to raise his staff and part the seas for the Israelites to cross,

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. -Exodus 14:21-22

Did Moses hesitate? Did he question if, in fact, this was God speaking to him? No. He moved by God’s direction and brought his people to safety. As they walked, I can only imagine what was going through their minds. Excitement? For sure. Fear? Most likely. Shame for not believing God was capable of delivering them from the advancing armies? I would think so. Not unlike times in our own lives when we doubt while in the midst of the advancements of the enemy or results of our bad choices. Coming out of it, we may feel like those Israelites on the walk between divided waters.

The waiting times in our life are opportunities to believe or not believe what God’s word says. It is sometimes laboring and burdensome but, we must come to the realization that God’s plans are perfect and we often can mess it up when we stray to the beaten path rather than taking the narrow road. Paraphrasing several books/verses, the bible tells us many things. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Everything is beautiful in time. Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear. He cares for even the sparrow. So many words God has given us to remind us that He IS God, now and always. So many of His words we need to hide in our hearts and meditate on night and day. God will never ‘NOT’ give us a way out of a situation or work it in such a way that we grow and it glorifies and honors Him.

When advancements/storms hit, how will we prove faithful? Will we be tossed to and fro or will we rely on God to part the sea and lead us to dry, high ground despite the walls of water on either side of us?

As I see

Gazing out over the majestic blue
silencing a world that screams out
negative, harsh, existentially profane

Crying out across the waves
they mock, watching...waiting
deeper, higher, torrential, insurmountable

Walking farther out into the surf
hope of release, desire for no return
wishing, believing, desperately seeking

Hearing your voice rise above
clearly speaking, echoing in the wind
audible, loving, affirming, life-giving

Gazing out over the majestic blue
standing, knowing your plan is unfolding
fearing, knowing, waiting, believing

Pieces...again 9/1/09

As I walked along the shore today, I picked up, as usual, pieces of sand dollars. As you have read in my previous blogs, God has really used this as a catalyst in my life to increased discernment, peace and wisdom. I had collected maybe 7 or 8 pieces and as usual, in the back of my mind/heart, I was hoping for a sign - for a whole sand dollar.

I felt like I spend so much time looking for the "pieces" that I miss so many blessings. I force myself to analyze every detail, every path, to ensure I miss nothing. But, in that, I miss everything at times. To learn that sometimes, the search is futile because what piece brings PEACE is right in front of you not to the right or to the left. You have to just stand still and pay attention. Human nature sends our eyes darting in every direction, alot of times, not seeing what is being provided right in front of you.

All the sudden, I felt like it was time to let go of the pieces analogy and realize that lesson is learned, that message received. It is time to move forward, certain that the plan is unfolding - even when it seems it is all falling apart. :-)

Defenses 9/1/09

As I walked along the beach [yes again - my writing is usually inspired there!], I had been praying generally. I was asking for answers along with a peace that would get me through the current myre of chaos that is my life right now. I noticed something odd along the shoreline.

At first glance, it appeared to be some mutation of fish/squid...it was obvious its breathing was labored due to lack of water. Immediately, I wanted to throw it back into the ocean but was fearful - not sure why - it was just weird, odd, sci-fi even! A man came up out of curiosity and was just as boggled. We looked for a large shell to scoop the creature up with. At closer inspection, we realized this was a baby octopus - how cool! Anyhow, as the man bent down and brought the shell near to scoop it up, all the sudden, it turned purple/red and its die [ink, whatever you call it] immediately surfaced. It was a beautiful unfolding of nature in its raw form. Well, we walked out into the surf to ensure it did not get washed back up and watched as it made its way in the sand, at the bottom of the water, as waves rolled over, not in any way impeding its progress back into the ocean. As the man and I parted ways, he said that this was my good deed for the day and he was sure I was going to have the best day ever. Little did he know, he made my day just by saying that. LOL. As I walked away with a grin, God began to speak.

Often in life, we are perplexed with why things happen the way they do, why we cannot overcome in certain areas, why God waits so long to answer prayers or to bring provision. We look at in a defensive manner rather than an offensive manner. You see, as soon as we came close to the octopus, it automatically used the only defense it had to a perceived threat. Little did the octopus realize that the perceived threat was actually a life-saving gift. You see, in our lives, we sometimes defend ourselves automatically when what we perceive as a threat - what hurts us the most - is actually something that is working towards the greater good in our life.

I am certain, in this epiphany, there is something for me to learn, to see, to recieve. The automatic knee-jerk reaction in life is to protect ourselves; whether that be from people, from emotion - whether positive or negative, from situations, even from God at times. What happens when we trust that everything truly does work for good in the lives of those who know Christ? What happens if when bad things happen to good people, we recognize that there is a lesson to learn, a reason for it?

We are an imperfect people in many ways. Probably, the largest imperfection is the inability, at times, to see outside of ourselves - to see beyond the current and look forward to the "is to come." The octopus went in defense mode but did that stop our action of saving it? No. It had no idea what was going to happen next. Most likely, it just held on. I mean who knows what octopus babies think...lol. Its instinct was that of "fight or flight." The problem was it had no options - no way to go anywhere WITHOUT help. Sometimes in life, we are presented with circumstances that prevent us from doing anything but do the best we can and hang on tight for the ride to see where it ends up. Just as the octopus, we have to hang on, go deep where the waves cannot toss us around and back to the shore where we started, and just keep moving forward. :-)

Trust. 8/25/09

Once again, I hit the beach and God shows up!

As my daughter and I were walking the beach [slowly for now - lol], we noticed something in the surf at the first sand bar. At closer inspection, we realized there was what we thought a whale stuck in the sand bar just getting hit by wave after wave after wave, barely able to recover from the first to the next. Obviously laboring, we watched, anxiously waiting for this beautiful creature to break free.

As we inched closer and closer, we realized it was not one, not two, but three whales [or we think it may have been manatees because I don't think we have belugas here]! They were huddled close as if hanging on together through this crazy, chaotic storm. It seemed they were tired, waiting even, for it to end and find the calmness of the ocean deep. We sat and watched as the current moved them northward rather than the opportunity to head back out. All the while, these three held on to one another that I swear there was, at no point, release or separation.

Of course, we called the Coast Guard and walked parallel to the never-ending wave breaks, feeling helpless to assist. Suddenly, with a great burst of energy, they seemed to break free and together, still hanging on as a group, they swam into the break line. We walked another quarter of a mile to ensure the strong current did not carry them back in to shore. I believe they made it through and back into the vast ocean.

As we watched and the sun gave way to the moon, we tried to spot them, to somehow be comforted in knowing that they, together, conquered what probably seemed to them a great storm. In that moment, I saw clearly what I had been asking God about from the moment I stepped onto the beach.

I even realized the point we tried to get across to the kids this week at children's church. The basic gist being that when you love God, you do things for others....love one another basically...serve others, not just yourself...hang on tight to your family and friends - those that WILL work together to get through and back to where you are supposed to be...where you belong.

We can weather storms on our own in this lifetime and we may be okay and make it through. But when we weather the storms with God, with family, with friends, it is alot easier to bear. Just like those three whales [or manatees...lol], hang on tight - do NOT let go, as those waves crash and those storms hit, reserve your energy and gather your strength. Then, when you see that break - that light shining through, go for it and swim like there's no tomorrow because there is a vast ocean out there...blessings you cannot even imagine.

Sometimes we get stuck, sometimes wave after wave keeps knocking us down, and sometimes we come very close to hitting that shoreline that sucks the life out of you but...those storms, those crashing waves trying to overtake you and wash you BACK to the shoreline...that is an opportunity for God to work...to align your life in such a way that no storm, no wave, no sandbar can affect your ability to break free and find what the ocean of life has to offer. :-)

Surrender 8/13/09

Surrender means growth & progress. Ultimately, it is surrender to God but in the physical, often, it is letting go of control. That can be good & bad. If we were left to live a Godly life by our own strength or make wise choices by our own processes, we wd be in a mess. Do not confuse surrender with passivity. It is a proactive process-a day to day choice...struggle even...to allow (trust) God's will to steer ur life & decisions...a choice to let go of what you want & moving forward in what you know...trusting God to make straight the path before you & order ur steps.

Letting Go. 8/9/09

At the beach, I am blessed.

Read my pieces blog or u may not get today's insightful epiphany....so, based on recent life, I spend time trying to sort thru the myriad of emotions intricately intwined in divorce/life. My walks on the beach allow me peace & introspection to truly seek God's will in my life & freedom to express anger, frustration, regret, loss, failure, fear, even relief, joy, expectation,happiness freedom to trust in who I am & who I hope to become for myself & my kids.

In my efforts to find "beauty in the pieces" that I so often blog about, I was picking up the reminders God always provides along the shoreline. My hands were getting full & I dropped a piece. I quickly turned around to retrieve it. That still, small voice said, "No. Let that go." This contradicts all that God has shown me, right? No.

Once again, the big man upstairs enlarges the picture. You see, we are to find the beauty in the pieces-whether that be happiness, joy, blessings or pain, anguish, loss...there is beauty to be found in life (pieces) that makes us who we are. Herein lies today's lesson in faith-trusting every piece has a purpose. Not hanging on so tightly & carrying armloads with us through life. At some point, it becomes a heavy, difficult burden. Not only that, how do we continue to see the beauty in the pieces left much less pick them up to see? There comes the time where the lesson is learned, the purpose realized. At that point, we must make room for more...we must let go. In this realization, I took all the pieces I was carrying & realized my load has been heavy for quite some time & I'm missing the beauty God has for me NOW. Each piece, I saw a lesson learned, my heart broken, a forfeited marriage, provisional struggles, lack of faith, fear, loss, expectations unmet, even low self worth. I reminded myself that His word is true & never comes back void. I can let go, have faith & move on to what He has NOW. I threw every piece out there & walked forward ready to pick up more... :-)

Don't Let 'Em See Ya Sweat! 8/4/09

LOL. Appropriate title I think.

So many times in life, we put on these happy faces when inside we are just falling apart. We forget to see the strength in weakness - the bravery in transparency. Yes, discern when, where & who to trust but know we were not created to walk alone. Not only will Jesus walk with us but God places people in our life to hold us up when we can't seem to do it on our own. The whole season, reason or a lifetime (people in ur life) is true but I think rather than listen and believe which of those applies....well, we tend to often choose on our own, missing out on a blessing by letting go to soon or hurting ourselves by hanging on too tight to the ones we should let go of. If this season of my life has taught me anything, it is to trust in Christ in me....to listen, hear and act as if my life depended on it...because it does. :-)

Pray. Ask. Believe. Forgive. 7/31/09

Pray. Ask, Believe. Forgive.

In Mark 11, Jesus drove those from the temple courts that were buying and selling – an instance when we see anger…maybe not anger but true conviction of the sanctity of His Father’s house. Mark 11:22-25 he teaches, “Have faith in God…I tell you the truth if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

We go through life encountering mountain after mountain – it is all individually subjective. We often come to God with petition to save us, to keep us from those things that hurt - that hold us down, tie us to the world even. In everyday life, we forget the basic simple truth of believing. I know that in every blog I hit on this but this is what I know needs to be put out there in our generation.

Without the basic knowledge that we have the power of Christ in us and the bible tells us that mountain can be moved by the power of our words [powered by our faith/belief], what hope do we have?

Look at Paul’s example – while in chains and worldly bondage, Paul says in Phillipians 1:19, “for I know through your prayers and the help given me by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.” I mean, wow. This is a man that believed not only in his ability to believe and pray but in others power to lift him up in prayer!

Day to day, we all intend to pray for others – it is even put on our hearts…but, we get caught up in our own world, our own time constraints, our own mountains. Often, we feel we do not have the time to pray for ourselves much less others. This morning, I found God putting it on my heart to pray for a few people and I felt as if I did not have the time to properly petition God for myself much less on others’ behalf…you know, God expects paragraphs right? Sometimes, yes but often - LOL – wrong.

How simple it is to take even just a few minutes to be obedient [God doesn’t need the whole scoop, he already knows it] and how important, as we see by Paul’s example, to lift others up before the throne – to dispatch that which God has for them. You never know why but you can guess that usually when it is put on your heart, it is because that person’s strength and belief is being tested and they need to move a mountain. Also, when we pray for others and take the focus off of ourselves, miraculously, God gives back focus/revelation into our own lives [the Word never comes back void, remember?]. Remember, Phillipians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

This verse touched me this morning in many ways. Sometimes, I get caught up in my own life and the answers I NEED, that I do not realize how it affects others around me. My focus becomes so intense that I alienate and even shut out others in my life. There are times, this is necessary and God will even direct your path in such a way that it is the only way to breakthrough. I am guilty of having to separate myself from people and things that drain me to a point of not being able to focus on the direction I needed to take. Partially motivated by God’s direction but a portion motivated by fear/flesh. Sometimes we just need that break from situations or people and we have to recognize it for what it is – what WE determine we need. At times, our behavior becomes an obstacle to others and the bible teaches us to love one another as Christ loved the church. Would Jesus make those choices? It is clear in Romans 14:13, “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.” We, inadvertently, become a stumbling block when our focus is ONLY ourselves. Me? Guilty as charged.

So, when God speaks to your heart and places another on your mind, pray for them, ask for them, believe for them…go before the throne with no bitterness or unforgiveness in your life and you CAN and WILL help others’ move their mountains. In the process, yours will be thrown into the sea as well.

We are here for a purpose and I cannot think of any better reason than this: Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Faith Up!

Endurance 7/27/09

So, in children's church all month long we have talked about forgiveness and faith....many times referencing the story of Joseph. You know his story - he interpreted dreams right? His father gave him a colorful coat right? The real story in his life is that his brothers took his clothes, threw him in a pit, sold him into slavery, people lied about him and he got thrown in jail...ultimately, despite major life obstacles, he ended up in leadership, 2nd to only Pharoah - in Egypt no less! The endurance and faith this man showed in the face of insurmountable odds it seemed...well, why the heck didn't he just give up? Because he KNEW God had a calling on his life and he BELIEVED.

In my morning reading, this story was brought to my attention again - I love how God works sometimes. Last week, a friend confided a revelation/epiphany about how the power is inside of you...we just GIVE other things in our life the power. This was again driven home by a dear friend who spoke this week. Then again, by my brother in Christ's blog [check it out under jeff letourneau's blog - good stuff]. We not only give things power in this world but we hand over our power every day to others.

This is what God has been speaking to me for weeks and as usual, it takes him basically knocking me on my butte to actually get it.I speak for me but I think we all get distracted by life. So focused on what others think - why they are avoiding us, why they think what they think, why no one can see who we really are [or so we think]....we get so caught up in this mindset that we give our power to others or we hand it over willingly [but unknowingly sometimes] to the destructive paths in our life. The problem is that when God speaks, we believe it right then but moving forward in that, we let what we SEE affect what we BELIEVE.

In Hebrews 11:1 it states, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." If we know God is speaking into our lives or giving us specific wisdom in some area, why do we doubt? Why do we modify it based on what others say? If someone hears something different from God, does thast mean what God spoke to you is void? No, it means God's plans are not our own and he weaves it together the way he wants to. The obedience in what He speaks TO YOU is the important part. In obedience, He will make known what He wants to make known in His timing.

How was Joseph not influenced by his brothers or his surroundings? How great an endurance he had in faith. Why, when we do not see immediate results, are we doubtful of what we were told? Many times, God delays on purpose and the delay is just as much of an answer to your prayer as the fulfillment is when it comes.

Boy, did this hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.In Mark 9, there is the story of a man whose son was possessed, could not speak, and had seizures. He told Jesus that the disciples could not cast out the spirit...he then goes on to ask Jesus if he can, would he drive it out. Imagine Jesus' frustration. He wondered aloud how long he would have to stay with such an unbelieving generation - how then must he feel about our generation? Oh my!

Anyhow, in Mark 9:23, Jesus says, " If you can?...Everything is possible for him who believes." Did you hear? EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE FOR HIM WHO BELIEVES. We must believe God's word or not. Those are the only two choices we have. We cannot be moved by what we see or feel. We must stand firm despite what the world throws at us - or what people throw at us, purposely and unknowingly. Reach a point, where you are not giving the power to your emotions, to your actions, to your heart even - but always giving the power to your faith. Do not be moved by the world, do not be moved by fear, but be moved by your faith - KNOW that it is not what you see but what God's word in your life promises. Do look for Godly confirmation but do not hang all your hopes on the opinion of others. Believe me, I know from firsthand experience that it does not work.

Know who you are despite what others may say or think...even despite your own insecurities, inaction, disobedience...life mistakes. No one is perfect - don't let 'em fool ya. God uses those things in our life that may be displeasing to Him - to teach us, to train us, to refine us into what He already sees and knows that we are and what He continuously tries to tell us.This may be too personal but you guys know my transparency, I went to a conference last week and God brought alot of things up for me....first and foremost, I hang my head always...He tells me to lift my face to Him - He sees me differently than I see me. He knows the purpose, I just need to BELIEVE there is one. I was singing the song...do not know the name but the words in the chorus are Wonderful, Beautiful, Glorious [maybe not in that order]...as I lifted my face up toward him, I felt He was singing it right back. THAT, people, is how God feels about each and every one of us despite our unbelief/sins.

His promise is evident in Phillipians 3:13-14, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."So, continue to fight the good fight, know God's power is not OVER you but IN you. Stay in His word and BELIEVE that every word from God applies to your life too. Have endurance in the face of trials/tests.. BELIEVE that God speaks to you and know His word NEVER comes back void. When He speaks, ask for confirmation and then run with it and be obedient! Know that you will make mistakes. Know that not everyone will "get" you or even like you and that is okay - try to make it right but move on. Know that God will delay blessings in your life - it's training ground - make the most of it! Most importantly, KNOW that His promises ARE real and keep BELIEVING!

Faith up!

LOVE 7/13/09

...and the greatest of these is LOVE...What is love?

Love is painful, conditional at times, a void that we all seek to fill whether we realize it or not. It hurts. Love can cause your heart to literally ache....to feel so much...to be vulnerable enough to put it all out there and hope for the best but often, expect the worst.What is love supposed to be? It is supposed to be unconditional, beautiful, a commitment regardless of another's actions...a forgiveness that has no bounds. This is not limited to the love between man and a woman but the love of family, friends, children, people in general. There is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...also, that to love is a risk....to lose is bittersweet but to gain is the ultimate gift.

We all are uniquely and wonderfully made with the capacity to love without prejudice. The choices we make, the risks we take...well those moments are what defines who we are.I never want to become jaded - I want to always love with everything I have. I want to be the person I am meant to be...emotional scars and all....if God loves me the way I am, others should too. :-) I always want to be transparent, vulnerable [in a healthy way], and open to everything life has to offer. I will not limit who I know myself to be, who I even choose to be. I will not compromise the love I have to offer based on the risks I have taken that did not pan out. I will love with everything I am and have until I get it right in God's eyes.

1 Cor 13:4-7Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.So, bring on the pain, the suffering, the anguish, the yearning for that one person in the world or those people to surround yourself with that "get" who you are....I willingly jump in because I know on the other side of that, God has great things in store.

Peace.