FEAR

Fear seems to be the common message in every email, every sermon I hear, every Word God speaks through others lately. God's word repeatedly states not to be fearful but to stand firm.

Fear and faith cannot co-exist - faith COUNTERS fear...overrides it. When I am afraid, I will trust HIM - I will persevere.

In the face of struggle, we act and react with fear, sometimes not even realizing it.

Thoughts

I am not supposed to show my weakness. I am not supposed to say I am tired, I am lonely, I am done, I am overwhelmed nor that I do not know where to go from here. Does not saying them make them any less true? In fact, it only magnifies them and ingrains them in a much deeper part of our selves...until you cannot see, feel, hear or listen. That moment of despair, the moment when you feel most alone...and noone realizes it or reaches to pull you out....God sees, He knows, He cares.

It is difficult in the dark to seek out the light when you are paralyzed by fear. When faith takes over, the light is visible. He is a lamp unto your feet. The days may blur, the darkness may hover but, persevere. Circumstances do not define your life, your choices do. Choose to move forward even when you do not want to. Choose to look beyond what the world shows you, what people offer...look beyond what you are told, look beyond who you have limited yourself to be. Seek out Truth, even if you feel you are the only one standing on it. Believe that His plans are truly so much greater than yours....

Fractal

Fractal: an irregular or fragmented geometric shape that can be repeatedly subdivided into parts, each of which is a smaller copy of the whole.

Life is a fractal pattern - we are often leaving pieces of ourselves, mirrored slivers of who we are. Often, we are shattered and those lost, missing pieces become the fractals of our life. Each an intricate piece of a whole. Patterns, sequences, variables...our own personal life algorithm - that inevitable equation of who we are, who we have been, and who we choose to become. Our minds cannot fathom the beautiful, painful and unique brokenness that ultimately leads us to wholeness. :)

Who I Am

Every day has a lesson for all of us if we learn to look beyond ourselves for a moment. I started the day out in fear of what I had to face but realized I actually had nothing to fear at all. You see, we build things up into more than they are and soon, find ourselves seeing it as completely insurmountable. We psyche ourselves out in most cases. People are not designed to live in fear, worry and anxiety - we have created it.

I used to have a Sportrac that had a sticker across the front that stated "Fear Not." It was easy to "Fear Not" when life seemed to be going well. It is a most daunting task when it is not so rosy. My daughter flipped that Sportrac five times on the highway and came out only scratched up a bit. I remember her telling me that, in that moment, all she could think to do was pray. I know it seems odd, but this is one of my most precious memories. You see in every day life, we pray and ask for answers but sometimes we do not really want "answers," we just want our answers. There is no doubt in my mind that my beautiful daughter was protected that day. If you look at the pictures, you would imagine the person in that wreck would be severely injured...even dead. All I can think is that my child knew who to look to and who to cry out to! If I leave no other legacy but my children, what a richly blessed woman I am.

Anyway, in every day life, we let the world take over and live in fear and anxiety over many things. Like I said, today was one of those days for me. Sadly, I have had alot of those days lumped together lately. I am a single mom trying to make ends meet in a world where everyone is trying ot make ends meet. Most often, I fail miserably which results in worry, concern, anxiety...fear! But the bible tells us that we are not to worry about what we will wear...what we will eat and most importantly, not to worry about tomorrow, it can take care of itself. But, how often, do we really understand and apply that?

Today, I walked into a situation and despite the opposition, I made the choice to show grace, mercy and kindness. Obviously, I am no saint nor do I seek accolades for the gesture but I was proud I could display my character. It was met with resistance of course and the action went without appreciation or acknowledgement. If anything, I was faced with an outright defiant attitude. However, I walked out of there knowing, for the first time in awhile who I was and where my provision lies. Not in man but in the plan God has carefully and strategically laid out for me and my kids. I left there knowing I could begin to close this chapter regardless of how hard it has been the past couple of years and still is now. My book is not anywhere near the end but just the next chapter unfolding. :)

Crazy

Lately, you hear how crazy the world is, how crazy people are, how all these crazy things are happening - how crazy people make crazy decisions...blah, blah, blah.

This is a crazy world we live in right now in more ways than one. However, I take solace in the crazies. Sound odd? Well, in the past, I looked at it all wrong. In life, there will always be something in your life that does not line up with who you think you should be, what you think you should be doing, how your life plans do not work out your way or even how people perceive you. But, if everything were perfect and your path went down your own well-meaning, self-intentioned plans, then we wouldn't even know how to appreciate it when God rocks our world despite the crazies.

The choices we make, the choices others make that affect us - well, it is what it is. Often, we look so deep into things that we miss the simple, every day blessings that move us forward. We often focus so much on looking behind us and recognizing past mistakes, failures, or regrets of where we should be in our life, that we plow right through the here and now. I often remind myself of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah - remember they [Lot & his family] were told not to look back but his wife did and what happened? She turned to a pillar of salt. I sit and think about this new life of mine and feeling all alone and get into the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I wonder how in the world will I ever put life back together the way I need it to be and the kids need it to be? But, you see, I think on those things based on looking back not looking at the here and now - basically trusting in what has been, not what is and what is to come. So, the every day blessings right in the midst of the crazies just passes me right by and I miss out. Make sense?

Sometimes, the best-laid plans are what we want and not quite what God had in mind. Other times, the perfect path set before us, we just ignore and make our own choices anyway. There may be consequences, it may become difficult but always, always, always, it will work out in the most amazing, CRAZY way - becoming a much better fit than anything we could have ever imagined! So, just call me crazy... :)

Forgiveness

A really awesome man said to me, "forgiveness is the currency of love." This statement has resonated within my head and heart ever since.

I ask myself if I offer forgiveness in every area of my life, both to myself and to others. Do I accept when God and others forgive me? Do I accept and move forward even when I have done all I can and others do NOT forgive? Heavy questions for a weighted subject, for sure.

The bible says we must be willing to forgive seventy-seven times. This is basically representative of an infinite number. Being willing and actually applying that are two distinctly different things. It is tough to be hurt or offended and move past that in a friendship or relationship. Especially in the instances where it seems to be a repetitive trait of that relationship.

In youth group this week, the story was of Peter [Simon] and how and why Jesus forgave him as well as the struggles Peter had in forgiving himself for denying his friend and Lord three times on Jesus' way to the Cross. The realization that he let him down, let himself down must have been a heavy burden to bear. But the day Jesus made that appearance along the shoreline, Peter literally jumped out of the boat and swam to shore. Of course, he was excited...maybe a little frightened of facing Jesus after what he had done. But what drove him to jump out of that boat and swim to shore was his love for Jesus. Everything else was put to the back of his mind as he recognized the voice calling him. By the time he made it to shore and stood by the fire, his heart must have been racing and his mind must have, again, been filled with thoughts of what he'd done. Despite that, he did everything he could to be of help, to just be near the risen Christ, his friend. I am certain he was just waiting for Jesus to say something, possibly expecting rebuke in some manner. But Jesus, knowing the turmoil in his disciple's heart and moreso, KNOWING his heart intimately, asked Peter to join them to eat and later, to take a walk. Jesus asked him three times if he loved him and told him to feed his sheep. Peter must have been pretty perplexed, wanting badly to explain...to somehow make it up to Jesus. But the three questions of "do you love me" were a loving response to the three denials. You see, Jesus believed in his friend and offered forgiveness in a manner that did not recognize the weaknesses of Peter but responded to the strengths [thanks Emme for laying out the story this way!].

Just like Jesus did with Peter, we should recognize and respond to the strengths in our relationships, flashback to the love we feel for that friend, family member, or individual and who we know them to be. If there is an issue, address it not with the accusation of weakness but the statement of strength.

Different

I received a phone call this morning about my previous blog. I was told that it was wrong to post and everyone thought I was an idiot...hmmmmm.

Everyone sees things differently and the experiences you share are, obviously, from your perspective. They can either hurt, heal or encourage. As a writer, your main intention is to encourage. You weave together your life as you know it and try your best to unfold a story in such a way that the world can feel your emotion and be encouraged by it - whether that is pain, hurt, anger, sorrow, elation, joy, happiness - after all, if you cannot be transparent enough to share your hardships and hope others learn from your mistakes, what is the point of going through it?

I will clarify that I do not write for the approval of others. I write because it is what I do and what I have always done. In the past several months, I have refrained from my passion for various reasons - misplaced priority, fear, even pain. It is my opinion that is when you should write. But, I have not because I wanted to ensure that it would not be for others' judgement but for my own processes in life. If that doesn't make sense, I have no other way to explain it.

I will not be censored by what others feel is right or wrong. I will not be censored on my life experience and sharing it with others. I will, however, be sensitive to others' feelings and I welcome input. If I am wrong, I have no problem taking the criticism. However, life is what life is. Your reality may not mesh with some but others may see it as an opportunity to learn from.

My mistakes in life are many - in my marriage too. I do not take the position of innocence or consider myself exempt from fault. I can only write what I know and what I feel and hope God uses it in such a way that it impacts my life and others' lives for good.

My previous blog was not meant to hurt anyone or put the blame soley on my ex-husband, whom I do love very much and always will. My intent was to put our story out there to encourage those of you who are married to recognize the mistakes that can be made and, in an instant, destroy the foundation that should be well-kept, pruned, and always producing fruit.

This is my passion and I will pursue it with as much transparency as I can muster at any given time. That is who I am. Judge me if you must but, truth is truth. Different is not always a bad thing. :)